Wolf Moon

The transition to the new year is never over for us until my sons birthday. We are almost through the that portal. Its like seeing light at the end of the tunnel... Sigh of joy that the days are getting longer!

What a doozy of a few months. Its had a few significant highs. And a few significant lows as well.  In other words the "slide into the new year."   has been bumpy. On the down side was flu and general winter blues mixed in with the processing of  necessary and harsh self realizations. Ill not dwell longer on that here.

On the bright side, there was time spent developing new friendships over food.  This was all sort of crammed into one weekend and I payed for my dining choices. But the splurge on french dip, nachos and tuna melts was worth a week of hindered mobility. There really isn't, at least not that I have found, a better way to connect and bond with others then a conversation around a table. As I plan out the year, I think I will try to incorporate a weekend every two months or so where I pick up a knife and fork and indulge in a whirlwind of faces and feasts. It might not be the best for my body but it nourishes my soul. One thing that I have noticed though is that walking when Im in food flare up mode is helpful. It helps move the reaction out of my body. New years morning just after sunrise and just before the worst of the flu got me, I took a little walk down a nearby trail and took in some fresh air.

Over the dark days I have also rediscovered some old joys. Primarily that of reading. One of my newly acquainted friends and have found a shared love of nautical themed books and so we have begun to exchange books. Im sneaking in pages when I can.

There has been a ramping up of excitement and planning for summers wedding event. The first to RSVP were Nell and David. After that Denise. The idea of catching up with each of them makes me teary. Im beginning to get my parts of the planning under way. Transportation is the next big one to knock off my list. We had discussed driving out but time is precious with our loved ones and we want to maximize that. Cost and time considerations will determine if we drive home. My grandpa would like us to.

My biggest unknown in who/where the dogs are going to be taken care of. This concern has amplified over the last few months and not just because time is ticking. No its more about their temperaments. While no aggression towards people has ever been noted, aggression towards other dogs is a serious worry. On the 31st they got into a dog fight between themselves. It was brief but wild and bloody and adrenaline filled. Im not sure what caused it but it ended up with a visit to the vet for pain meds and antibiotics. The wounds have nearly healed. I am hoping that never happens again, but I would be a fool to expect it doesn't.

In the last 4 or 5 months, as menopause has taken hold, my hair has REALLY begun to lose its color. I've decided to embrace the grey. It is time to transition my appearance and show my natural self. My hair style is the same as it has been since high school and in truth Im not entirely that person anymore. So I am going to have it styled very differently as well. I need to find a stylist and get this started now so Im ready to face my past anew in the summer.

Another change may also be on the wind. There is a job opening at my local fire station for an admin specialist.... 6 an hour more then where I am at. I've been polishing up my resume and getting my cover letter written this weekend. I've learned as much as I can were I am at. I've learned far more than I ever thought I would actually. Must have been something special about the trainers. Anyway.. Lets see were this takes my gypsy soul.

The boss man needed to shave his face. They had to have a fit test of the ventilation masks used in grain dust emergencies at the mill. Its very strange to see his naked face. Its like looking at Willow. I told him he better grow that hair back before we leave otherwise he might get confused for the bride.

In tackling where I choose to invest my time and energy, I have come to realize that I need to strip the concept of passion away from lust. They can and often do feed each other and it can be hard to identify one from the other. Not all fire is the same and I don't want to diminish the heat and light. I just don't ever want to feel the burn if it can be avoided.

My daughter revelation about Omegle led me down a path of sorting through my own experiences with being prayed upon by pervs. I've not really shared those stories. They have for the most part remained locked in shadow. But why should they remain "secret"? Let this wolf moon chase them into the light.

Like my daughters story so much of this shit is universal even though the experience feels nothing but personal.  I can see that by sharing them their power is lost.

Im blessed that I was held close and safe in my younger years. Mom had known her fair share of flashers and molesters growing up in LA and never gave the predator's a chance to close in. She also worked in, volunteered at, or was otherwise very involved in my school life so my first real encounter wasnt until my first job. 

I was 16 and saving up for my first car. The school had a job board of local business looking to hire part time afterschool jobs. I found a job, tidying an office, doing filing and other light admin duties for a financial advisor. Prior to this I had volunteered 2 hrs a day (when not in sports) to the Vice Principals office. My duties were filing behaviour pink slips and all sorts of confidential student information in addition to doing all sorts of admin tasks. This job seemed like a good fit. I was paid $7 an hour under the table. He didnt want either of us dealing with taxes. Anyway, it was an okay job except there wasnt really any filing to do and it didnt take much to dust the tiny 10x 10 foot room he rented. I used what time I had to read the prospectuses and learn something about finacial planning. I instinctually understood that my role was one of bolstering his professional appearance. "Im so great at my job I need and can afford a secretary." I don't remember much of any of our conversations but I do recall him often bragging about how he had essentially helped his last student assistant pay her way through college by working for him. Internally I questioned that but never outright asked. I think the answer was clearly laid out in his desk drawer filled with skin mags and motion lotion. Without taking the bait, I stayed there about 5 months and changed jobs once I got my car... that baby shit brown 1973 maverick. She was sporty if not a great color. Anyway, I digress.

My college years were filled with some seriously seedy situation's. Working in a casino as a cocktail waitress wearing basically a playboy bunny costume without the cotton tail or ears is bound to bring some unwanted attention. Like the couple who sat in the lounges of the casinos and strip joints looking for those willing to "model" for them. They even carried around a portfolio of their more legitimate work to try and persuade you that there intentions were pure all the while telling you that they are really interested in is shooting nudes and if you showed an iota of interest they would get persistant... On a side note I cant tell you how happy I am I resisted my family when they pushed for me to become a model.

Speaking of "photographers"... there was one in AZ who spotted me downtown having lunch with coworkers. I only gave him my work phone number. After a few discussions I choose to meet with him. Its always a red flag when the mention of a significant other causes a level of distress and concern about if he and his work is "going to be a problem?" He went on, "Some people cant accept the type of art I create. See I want to take you out into the desert, strip you and paint your body white with black and white Japanese symbols. Its a very geisha kind of vibe. Then I want to take this big flower and I want to wrap the stem in plastic and insert it..." I didn't accept the job but the guy would not take no for an answer. He began calling my work, daily. After a few weeks I had the receptionist tell him that a death in the family took me back to Ohio and I wasn't coming back. That fortunately did it and I never saw him again.

On another occasion, there was a guy I went on two dates with only to realize he was working with one of the cartels. I slipped away quietly from that one.

There was this harmless but unstable ER nurse I met at a goth bar I frequented. I went to his christmas office party and got introduced to his good friend who had a seeminly lovely girlfriend. She immediatly clung to me and started inviting me out with her to the gym and it soon became obvious that she was a stripper and she wanted me to drop my life and go to Mexico with her and make major bucks. This girl carried a water bottle of vodka with her that she drank constantly from. Holy shit she was trying to traffic me. Meanwhile the boyfriend off hand had made a comment about his love of gothic morbid porno horror photography he liked to take in the desert and how id be a great model. Run away run away.

Not all preditors are so blantant and upfront with thier intentions. Some are not so easy to spot. I was coming off of a rough break up and a co worker asked if she could set me up on a blind date. The guy worked at the casino in the valet dept. A casino is huge and its rare to know anyone in another department. So I had never seen him. Well I had to drive because at 22 this guy had just gotten his 2nd dui. His friends joined us. It was pleasant enough and we decided to go out again. Well after all I wasnt super impressed but when I dropped him off he said his folks were home and asked if I wanted to come watch a show and sober up a little. I was naive and afterwards as I was putting on my shoes he says "sometimes no means yes* it turns out that my "friend" had told him I needed a good lay. Its not the best place to be in. I placed more guilt on myself than I should have and my sense of self respect was shot for a while. It didnt help that I started noticing him hanging around the edges of my bars and my stations after that always leering at me. Then he got a 3rd dui and could no longer valet cars so he started working as a barback. I was like .. i could leave but oh hell no. You took my self worth I sure as shit am not giving up my job because of you.

I met greg not long after and well... the day after he moved in Greg was promoted over him and was put in charge of handling the scheduling. The other guy dropped from my sight.

I cant really think of any more things to mention on this topic.

I was home sick today with a stomach bug. Ill be back on my game hopefully tomorrow.

Oh there is one more thing. I meed to tell a lie. Im not proud of it but its necessarily. The coworker who rented out the sideroom isnt just an alcoholic. I have heard through reliable sources that shes a bit of a coke head as well. Which seems on point with what I vibed. So I dont want her back. Enter operation crow bar. True story.. On christmas eve my daughter found a crow bar on the fire escape landing outside her window. So its no stretch to say that they are breaking thier lease and moving back in. Tomorrow the charade begins.

Oh and one last last thing... I gave out copies of my old music library as holiday gifts and i think my dj friend is going to use it to make his next communitee dance mix which will be next week. Just in time for me to be over all this sick shit.