Closing out

Have you taken care of all your business for the year? Tied up your loose ends? How do those scales balance?   Were you naughty or nice?  The end of the year brings up these questions and lends itself to retrospection and introspection and this year I took a bit of a deep dive. 

There are plenty of highlights and many things to be thankful for. I'm not going to rehash them. Most have been stated within this space already. I recognize how blessed I am and I am tremendously grateful.

But this year was not all glitter, gold and loveliness.  A spot light of truth flushed out my darkest shadows.

"I've been a bad, bad girl, I've been careless with a delicate man." Not intentionally of course. But does intentionality mean much when the result is still negative and hurtful? The answer is not really. When I look in the proverbial mirror my stomach drops. I am heart sick over the entirety of it and I am ashamed. Looking back over a very long time ... my level of disregard for others and sometimes myself... well ... I kinda suck sometimes. Despite as well meaning as I aim to be and generally am.

Alcohol certainly fuels it. Id forgotten. In parenthood it was relatively sworn off except on special occasions.. those going out social occasions. Then fast forwad and once again, we had a social life beginning to take shape... and with the child grown and gone... well.... I had forgotten the devil in the bottle. It wont be forgotten again.

This year on the whole (personally and globally) has shined a light on how vile the world can be. My daughter just earlier today told me a secret she had been keeping for many years about the number of times Dick was flashed at her on Omeagel (is that how its spelled?) when she was younger. This year has truly brought into focus is how pervasive and subversive lust and deviance is. How despicable it is. How it should not be tolerated. Our drinking has stopped for good, Im now striving to identify and end the ways I feed and contribute to lust and perversion... however that may be. Indirectly. Inadvertently. Through media and other consumption. I guess that is my new years revolution,

The picture of the feather... we gathered our little familyy for a gift exchange and Christmas eve dinner. After everyone left, I turned to pick up and this huge feather was right on the floor in the middle of the room where we had gathered. It wasnt a part of anything that was openned and had no place there. I took it as an angelic omen. A reminder of having faith in the world and having faith in myself and knowing that there is light and divinity to embrace and exude. Rise above.

So long 2024.